Monday, December 25, 2017

A Grammatically and Politically Incorrect, and Irreverent, Christmas Tail

Joseph Christ and Merry Christmas, undocumented aliens engaged to be married, were on their way to the North Pole to be enrolled in Santa’s yule tide census, when they were overcome by a severe winter storm. Unable to find their way through the white out, Rudolph, a red knows rain dear, appeared from the mist of the storm to guide them to the nearest Holiday Inn, but there was no room available for them there, so Rudolph then guided them to a vacant Pottery Barn that had recently relocated.

The weary traveling couple found their way in to the empty store through an open window, gathered some packing hay that had been lying on the floor, and made a bed for themselves. Soon after they turned in for knight, Mary’s water broke and she went into labor. She eventually delivered her first born, swaddling him in some old newspapers that were stacked nearby, and laid him in a pile of warm, soft hay hastily throne into an empty Pottery Barn packing crate.

Before day brake, three wise guys showed up, explaining that they were really astrologers who had been consulting their star charts and realized that Mars and Venus had perfectly aligned in Aquarius with Mercury rising in Pisces, indicating that something was up not to fire from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Knot long to tarry, the king’s ton trio left presents of bit coins, Frank’s incense, and Muir.

After the three hombres departed, Joseph and Mary fell into a deep sleep, during witch they were warned in a big dream not to try to cross the US-Canadian border or the INS would arrest and deport them. They never maid it to the North Pole. Instead, they decided to eventually settle just a little to the north in Nazareth.

Santa, learning of their plight, quickly sledded down their way, slipped down the Pottery Barn chimney, and left presents for the parents and their newborn child. Joseph received a gift card to Home Depot. Merry received a gift card to Target. Baby Jesus received US Citizenship documentation.

For something more serious and reverent, read my short Christmas essay from last year, THE CHRISTMAS EVE CANDLE.

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